Crystal Ball, Oh, Crystal Ball

Nine predictions for the new year: workplace culture, hair extensions, the next male sex symbol, and more! Special bonus: a silver lining about the upcoming Trump era.

Once again, it’s that time of the year when I tap into my inner gypsy and gaze into my trusty crystal ball. It’s been an exhausting, heartbreaking year (for about half of the country), so can things get worse? Yes. But there will be some pockets of joy in 2025, at least a little comic relief, right?

Here’s what the spirits are telling me about what’s in store for the new year:

1. Strip joints will enjoy a renaissance. Remember when it was acceptable (sort of) for lawyers and investment bankers to entertain clients at gentlemen clubs? Well, those institutions will be roaring back in the Trump era. And voilà: there will be rampant office affairs, a hotness meter to rank junior women, and wet T-shirt contests at corporate events. The 1980s are back, baby!

2. Sexual harassment will be legalized. Since we’re bringing back the ‘80s (or is it the ‘50s?), why not accept that boys-will-be-boys and codify their boorish ways? If Trump and his faves (e.g., Matt Gaetz, Pete Hegseth, Herschel Walker) can treat women like disposable goods, shouldn’t all American men at least enjoy the basic right to harass? Besides, women should be flattered that they’re harassment worthy.

3. Women will exhaust their retirement plans to pay for plastic surgery and hair extensions. To survive in this new ecosystem, ambitious women must do everything they can to look like a certified Trump Girl, which means modeling themselves after Melania, Kristi or Ivanka (but not Tiffany). That entails sporting a mane of glossy hair, pouty lips, and bouncy breasts. It won’t be cheap but it’s a necessary career investment.

   

   The official role models for women in the new year. (Photos: Wikipedia)

4. Meanwhile, Stephen Miller will be named the sexiest man alive. Move over George Clooney and Ryan Gosling. The new stud in town is Stephen Miller, a.k.a. the “sexual matador” (according to Fox News). The evil genius behind family separations at the border, Miller has the killer looks of a brooding mortician that women can’t resist. And he knows what drives women wild: “Show that you are a real man. Show that you are not a beta. Right? Be a proud and loud Trump supporter and your dating life will be fantastic!”

   

   Which one would you choose? Another predictable Hollywood pretty-boy or the "sexual matador" with those dreamy mortician eyes? (Photos: Wikipedia)

5. But women will be judged first and foremost by their fecundity. A woman can solve the Riemann Hypothesis, find the cure for Alzheimer’s or broker peace in the Middle East, but she is essentially worthless unless she has birthed a litter of babies. That’s what JD Vance says, so it must be true.

6. Business schools will offer advance seminars in sycophancy. Forget being a thought leader, honing your people skills, developing emotional intelligence, and all that B-school mumble jumble. What will soar your career is simple: shameless brown-nosing. If you master that one skill, you can catapult to a lofty job for which you are grossly unqualified. Need inspiration? Just check out Trump’s picks for his new administration.

7. Law students will be forced to master Zombie laws. Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas invoked the Comstock Act, the 1873 chastity law, to justify overturning the right to abortion and possibly a future ban on contraceptives by mail. Now, Trump says he’ll use the Alien Enemies Act of 1798 for his massive deportations. But why stop with the 18th century? Surely, clever lawyers will find use for the Bastardly Laws of the colonial era to turn back the clock.

8. Ethical rules will be consigned to the dustbin of history. Justices on the Supreme Court accept gifts from rich benefactors and flout conflicts of interest rules, and our new Commander-in-Chief is patently allergic to any form of ethics, so why constrain everyone else? Bribe public officials, use inside information for personal gain, and sell whatever you can. It’s a new day in America, folks.

9. Declarations of “preferred pronouns” will be verboten. If there’s one silver lining to the anti-wokeness movement, it’s the probable demise of pronoun preferences on email signatures. My daughters will disagree but I find those declarations of gender identification to be forced virtue signaling. There, I said it—something positive about the Trump shitshow, OK?

Happy new year!

Contact: chen.vivia@gmail.com

Twitter (X): ViviaChen