Affirmative Action for Stupid White Dudes

It’s an embarrassment of riches (actually, just an embarrassment) as to which of Trump’s picks is most ludicrous. But where are the guardians of meritocracy, those foes of DEI?

Mr. Ed is the horse, of course.

TO ALL YOU LOSERS, boozers, and wackos out there, I bring you tidings of joy: Your day is here and your career prospects are bright.

No need to be serious, hardworking, or exemplary in any way to reach the pinnacle in America. In fact, you’re better off if you’re the exact opposite. You can attain one of the most powerful, coveted jobs in the land by just being who you are—a shiny specimen of mediocrity.

Who says affirmative action is dead? From what I can glean from Donald Trump’s picks for his cabinet and other top posts, it’s alive and well for the blatantly unqualified—particularly if you’re a white dude with a checkered past.

It’s an embarrassment of riches (actually, let’s just call it an embarrassment) as to which of Trump’s picks is most ridiculous and alarming. It’s like being pelted with a gazillion spitballs—disorienting and icky.

But let me begin with the low hanging fruit: the trifecta of Matt Gaetz, Pete Hegseth, and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Though the much-despised Gaetz has dropped out (thank you, Lord) to head the Department of Justice, Hegseth’s nomination to head the Department of Defense is still miraculously alive and Kennedy seems on track to lead the Department of Health and Human Services.

Why not Daffy Duck and Mr. Ed?

To state the perfectly obvious, none of these guys—a sleaze ball with scant legal experience (Gaetz), an alleged drunk and abuser of women (Hegseth), and a former heroin addict and conspiracy nut (Kennedy)—is remotely qualified to head these critical departments. Under normal circumstances, they might not even survive the vetting process for a mid-level position at those offices. So how did we get here? And why are we wasting time treating them like serious contenders?

The short answer is that the emperor gets whatever the emperor wants. Trump could put up Daffy Duck or Mr. Ed, and JD Vance would be out there making the case. With the exception of the usual suspects—those yelping liberals—many people don’t seem all that bothered by Trump's choices either. Despite ample coverage of the trio’s personal baggage—which weighs a ton—there’s been relatively little discussion of their credentials or readiness to do the job.

Show me their transcripts and SAT scores!

Where are the guardians of meritocracy—those vociferous foes of diversity, equity and inclusion who are always railing against women and people of color for taking jobs away from much more deserving white men? They’re usually not shy at casting aspersions. When Kamala Harris became vice president, she was lambasted as a token hire. Barack Obama faced similar sneers, his academic accomplishments (he was the first Black president of the Harvard Law Review), besmirched as affirmative action window dressing.

But where’s the scrutiny of merit now? Somehow, it’s a given that the pale male, no matter how unaccomplished or badly blemished, is qualified. So, it seems, we’re cool that Gaetz was in the running to be the nation’s top lawyer, though his own legal career consisted largely of handling traffic violations and petty money disputes; that Hegseth, now in line to run a department with a budget of over $820 billion, ran two nonprofits from which he was forced out for financial mismanagement, drunkenness, and inappropriate behavior; that Kennedy, a science denier with zero medical training, will run the nation’s leading health department.

The big tent of incompetence

To be fair, Trump also picked people of color and women for key positions—and some are as third-rate as the white dudes. The top two examples being Kash Patel as the head of the FBI and Tulsi Gabbard as the director of national intelligence. Besides having few qualifications for their jobs, they are downright dangerous: Patel, because he’s openly stated that he intends to use his power to investigate political enemies (ready for J. Edgar Hoover 2.0?), and Gabbard, because she’s embraced Russian propaganda and is an avowed fan of autocrats with blood on their hand, such as Vladimir Putin and Bashar-al Assad. (Poor Tulsi. She must be crying into her pillow about Assad’s downfall.)

And there are many others who belong in this category, like Linda McMahon, the wrestling impresario, who’s body-slamming her way into the role of Secretary of Education. And South Dakota governor Kristen Noem, now in line to head Homeland Security, best known for her skills as a pet executioner.

For club members only

But as ludicrous and frightening as some of those nominees are, I don’t think they would have gotten nearly as far if they had the same kind of sordid history as our trio with brio. The House Ethics Committee recently concluded its investigation of Gaetz for sex trafficking, illicit drug use, and bribery, among other unsavory allegations. (Predictably, the Republicans are not allowing the report to see the light of day.) As for Hegseth, he’s been accused of sexual assault (he settled with his accuser who signed a nondisclosure agreement)—plus his own mother called him a serial abuser of women, which, of course, she recanted the moment he was nominated.

Compared to Gaetz and Hegseth, Kennedy is a boy scout. Yes, he has a history of being a cad (he’s a Kennedy, OK?), but, as far as we know, he’s only been accused of sexual assault by one woman, a former babysitter. (He texted an apology this summer, just as he was joining Team Trump.)

What’s disturbing is that Republicans, upholders of traditional values, seem thoroughly unimpressed by this stuff. Allegations of rape, sex trafficking, and the denigration of women on the job—what’s the big deal? Why should those charges from a bunch of unhappy women disqualify this pool of male talent? Even Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa), a survivor of sexual assault who had voiced skepticism about Hegseth’s nomination, has changed her tune, signaling that she’s ready to support him. Welcome to the post Me-Too world.

But make no mistake, it’s only a select group that’s allowed to be this awful, incompetent, gross, and reprehensible, and still be given the benefit of a doubt—and so much more.

So here we are: The end of the era of the best and brightest—or even the pretense of one. Of course, we’ve always known that there’s a double standard, an unspoken form of affirmative action for a certain group. It’s a club where it’s understood that qualifications are optional but sycophancy to the Grand Poobah mandatory. Give Trump credit for making it crystal clear.

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